The 3rd major pursuit onboard the ship is usually gambling. This trip has been a bit of an anomaly for that as the casino has been closed for most of the trip, only open for the last 2 nights. That really just meant that the easily entertained had to go harder and faster to piss away their dreams. There is an assortment of games available aboard the cruise, blackjack table, roulette, craps, some novelty skill tester.

Breakfast, drank. The 2nd of the 3 major pursuits aboard is drinking. With a selection of 10 bars at which to park yourself and order a drink you never have to go far before topping up your glass. This is before you even order that bottle of wine with dinner or get your nightcap delivered to your room. Coffee, drank. It doesn’t really matter what time of day it is, you can find a drink and have it brought to you.

There are 3 primary pursuits upon the ship, and one of those is eating. You can satisfy yourself at the main dining rooms where you will have a traditional restaurant experience and a 4 course meal, the pizza parlor where you will get pizza, the burger bar by the pool where you will get ice cream, or horizons court where you will get fat. The most interesting of these by far is horizons.

Occasionally (multiple times a day) there is competitive events held on the ship, from sporting to board games, to bingo. Some people take these events far too seriously and look for glory in destroying their fellow passengers. One such event yesterday was the carpet bowls. In this 3 round competion the contestants play lawn bowls on carpet, aboard the ship. The keen player will set their drink down, carefully pick up the bowl, take a professional stance, and let loose on the lane set out with masking tape.

The aged and invalid fill the ship, making up a disturbing proportion of the passengers aboard, and given the time of year this isn’t even them out in force. Something about the novelty of the boat, the ease of travel, and the crew waiting on them every waking moment brings them out in droves and sets them afloat amongst the rest of us. Walking canes and zimmer frames are in this season, at least there’s not many riding on carts this time.

Last night we partook in a maritime tradition, the formal dinner night. All the passengers got dressed up in their finest trimmings to try and be presentable to their peers and attempt to outdo the person sitting next to them. Those with regal dreams of times long past squeezing into suits and dresses which had not fit in 10 years, the slightly too young taking advantage of the excitement to try out that dress that is an inch or 2 short, the uncaring who imagine formal to mean a polo shirt with a dinner jacket, all were on show and a wonder to behold.

During the night we approached Tasmania and at 7:45 this morning docked at Burnie, our first destination. To ensure the enjoyment of my “holiday” I have been booked on a number of shore excursions such that I might experience this strange land and its inhabitants and today is no exception. Yay. My alarm went off at 6:45, which I expected would give me enough time to have a quick shower before my breakfast arrived (free room service) some time after 7.

We knew immediately the moment the ship had cleared any protection of land. 4 meter swell all across the bass straight. Joyous. One might imagine a cruise like this. But tonight it feels more like this. The boat is constantly swinging back and forth in an irregular pattern, the passengers sloshing about within it not unlike the contents of our stomachs. People attempt the stairs, tripping over their own feet as they stumble back and forward like they were drunk, which they well might be.

With all the jubilant excitement that one might expect from slave labourers we have set sail. This came accompanied by much fanfare that one would suppose is intended to make one feel special, but unfortunately proved to be little more than a parade of the downtrodden staffers of the ship. Their dead eyes look straight through you as they offer up anything you may desire, they bus tables in a manner more suited to disinterested zombies, they care to know your name only if you might leave a tip, otherwise you are just another of the cattle here to graze and sleep and hopefully die.

I’ve been abducted by aliens. 7am sharp this morning my door was opened and I was invaded by family. I turned off my life and grabbed my bags and got in to the vehicle that would deliver me to my potential tomb. There my next trial was presented to me, my mother was driving the car. On the best of days my mother can be a trying individual, more then enough to strain the patience of even the most saintly of peoples, but behind the wheel of a car she is an infuriating health risk.